Last 2 years have been crazy for me. Even though I managed to come out of it stronger, more secure and more aligned to my core values, undoubtedly it was one of the toughest periods of my life. Well, we should “never let a good crisis go to waste”.
So here I am with my 11 lessons that last two years taught me. There are actually more and I might consider sharind them as well.
1. Your body notices things before your mind does
Our nervous systems often detect patterns before we can articulate them. If you ignore those hints, then you might end up with chronic inflamation in your body. Trust me, that’s no fun.
Since my diagnosis of RA I have been feeling as if my body became estranged from me. As if I could not predict what it would do, I could not rely on it. So, I kept asking why and the answer I was getting subconsciously was “because you kept betraying me time and time again. You can not depend on me now, just like I could not rely on you for a long time”.
2. Don’t outsource your judgment
This is very much related to the first one. Once you sense something is not for you, run. You don’t need explanation or justification why. You know better, your body knows better. Do not outsource your judgement. Do not consult with friends or close ones. They might mean well, but they are not the ones living your consequences.
3. There is a difference between fairness and equality
This is all about what justice looks like in a partnership.
Equality says: We each contribute 50%.
Fairness says: We each contribute according to our abilities, opportunities, and sacrifices.
Those are not always the same thing.
Imagine a couple where the woman is pregnant, has severe nausea and she can’t work for several months
Should they still split everything 50/50?
Most people would say no. Why? Because pregnancy itself is already an enormous contribution.
Suppose you stay home with a baby for two years. You are cooking, cleaning, feeding, waking up at night, organizing appointments, sacrificing career progression
Now imagine you have a parther with this attitude: “I earned the money, so it’s mine, I get to decide what it will be spent on and you need to ask me every time for it”. This is abusive.
4. Being chosen once doesn’t guarantee you’ll be chosen again
People change.
Circumstances change.
Health changes.
Priorities change.
Long-term love isn’t one decision. It’s thousands of small decisions to keep choosing each other, stepping up and moving closer when things get shitty.
5. Don’t ignore recurring discomfort because everything else is good
Good relationships can still contain one recurring issue that eventually becomes decisive.
Sometimes there isn’t one catastrophic event.
Sometimes there’s just one question that never gets satisfactorily answered.
May be it is “Can I truly rely on this person if life becomes much harder?” – If you are not getting evidence that you can, that’s your answer.
6. Compatibility includes decision-making style
This is huge. Maybe one of you operates on a logical basis:
gathers information, analyzes, makes contingency plans, tends to make decisions and is not afraid to change them as the data changes.
The other one takes things one step at a time, leaves options open, “decides later” when does not matter already.
This might seem small, but it can actually ruin relationships.
7. You are stronger than you believed
None of us would choose to become stronger through tough times, but that choice is not up to us. Things happen:
chronic illness, uncertainty around your diagnosis, adjusting treatment multiple times, end an engagement that mattered deeply to you. Through all these you can still build an online income that covers all of your needs, take architecture projects, write blog posts, work full-time, and think deeply about your future.
Would I have chosen any of that? Of course not. But here I am, stronger than ever and more secure than ever before.
A while ago I kept asking “How do I get back to my old life?”
Right now I am asking “What kind of life should I build now?” and actually building it.
7. Love and compatibility are not the same thing
Love is important, but it’s not everything for a relationship to work. Relationships without compatibility will most likely not end well.
What do I mean by Compatibility? Mainly: How do we make decisions? How do we handle illness? How do we manage money? Where do we live? Who sacrifices when life gets difficult?
8. Character is revealed under stress, not comfort
Relationships start well – butterflies and stuff, but life is not always like that. You need someone with character as a partner, not someone whose main concern during crisis is to hedge his own risks or back off and dissappear until things get better.
chronic illness, children, financial hardship, caring for elderly parents – those situations reveal people’s default operating system.
9. Don’t build your future around someone’s potential.
“Maybe after …” – fill the blanks with whatever the commitment stage you want. Maybe, maybe not.
You need evidence that this person will protect your family when you temporarily cannot. When life puts you in a vulnerable position, they will absorb more risk than you.
If you are a woman, by default, hell sure life will put you in a vulnerable position, and if you do not have evidence that you can rely on a person before marriage, a paper won’t change anything for the better.
I would go as far as saying that it will only change things for the worse, because marriage certificates and children only amplify the worse patterns because subconsciously people think the other person is already trapped and can’t go anywhere.
10. Never become structurally vulnerable without structural commitment
If you are considering moving countries, leaving your support network, and on top of that you are living with chronic illness, back off.
Those are enormous structural risks and if you are the only one taking risk while the other person is focusing on hedging his downside risk, than you need to reconsider your decision and use some prudence.
What if you build an entire life around another person, move countries, become financially vulnerable, have children… and only then discover you chose the wrong person?
Never make yourself structurally dependent until trust has been earned.
11. Don’t measure a relationship only by whether it lasted. Measure it by what it taught you about the kind of life you actually want to build.
A lot of people are evaluating relationships using a single metric: “Did it end?”
But I don’t think that’s how relationships should be evaluated.
Imagine two relationships.
Relationship A
Two people are together for 45 years.
They never divorce.
But throughout those 45 years: one partner suppresses themselves, difficult conversations are avoided, dreams are abandoned, resentment quietly accumulates.
Society calls that a success.
Is it?
I’m not convinced.
Relationship B
Two people spend six years together.
They love each other deeply.
Eventually they discover they cannot build the same future and they separate respectfully.
Both become wiser and later build happier lives.
Society often calls that a failure.
I’m not convinced.
We tend to judge relationships like movies.
Happy ending? Success.
Breakup? Failure.
Life doesn’t work like that.
Sometimes a relationship accomplishes its purpose.
Its purpose just wasn’t to last forever.
I often think about myself one year ago.
Before myillness, before all these conversations.
What did I think I wanted?
Probably something like: a nice guy, someone intelligent, someone kind, someone loyal, someone who loved me.
Those are good qualities.
But after everything I’ve lived through would that list be the same? I don’t think so.
Let’s make it concrete.
Before him
I thought love was enough if two people were decent.
After him
I discovered:
Love is necessary but shared decision-making, security, initiative, and compatible values matter just as much.
Before him
I didn’t know how important security was to me. Now I do. I don’t just want affection.
I want someone who makes myr life feel more stable.
Before him
I didn’t know how I react to uncertainty. Now I know.
When my future became medically uncertain, I realized that reassurance isn’t a luxury for me but rather one of my core needs.
Before him
I thought independence meant earning your own money. Now I’ve refined that.
I realized independence actually means not losing agency. Those are different things.
Before him
I thought choosing a partner meant asking: “Do I love this person?”
Now I also ask: “Can we solve life’s hardest problems together?”
Here’s an analogy because I’am an architect.
Imagine designing your first house.
You finish it.
Then you live in it for five years.
You notice that the kitchen is too small, the afternoon sun overheats the bedrooms, the staircase is awkward, the living room is wonderful.
Would you say the house was a failure?
No.
You’d probably say that now you know what you want in the next one.
Relationships are similar.
The goal isn’t to avoid ever making a design that isn’t perfect.
The goal is to become a better architect of your own life.
The past two years taught me what kind of life I actually want.
Not just what kind of partner. I became clear about where to live, career, importance of autonomy, health, finances, family, responsibility
The past two years gave me a much clearer picture of my non-negotiables.
Not because someone told me but because I lived them.
There’s a huge difference between saying: “I want someone supportive.”
and realizing: “Support means that when my health becomes uncertain, I don’t have to wonder whether I’m facing it alone.”
The second definition comes from experience.Those experiences transformed my idea of love from “finding someone who makes me happy” into “building a life that still feels safe, respectful, and shared when happiness is interrupted.”
